Joke 1

From an old joke about two lions who, escaping from the zoo, split up to increase their chances but agree to meet after 2 months. When they finally meet, one is skinny and the other overweight. The thin one says: "How did you manage? I ate a human just once and they turned out a small army to chase me -- guns, nets, it was terrible. Since then I've been reduced to eating mice, insects, even grass." The fat one replies: "Well, I hid near an IBM office and ate a manager a day. And nobody even noticed!"

Joke 2

One lion was enjoying the sun at the beach in America. A lady came and asked him, “Are you relaxing?” Lion answered, No, I am Banta Lion.” Another guy came and asked him the same question. Lion answered, “No! No! Me Banta Lion!” A third one came and asked him the same question again. Lion was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another lion soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, “Are you relaxing?” The other lion was a lot more educated and answered, “Yes, I am relaxing.” The lion slapped him on the face and said, “Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!”

Joke 3

A lion died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions.
1. Name two days of the week beginning with “T”.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
The lion thought for a few minutes and answered…
1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are twelve seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it’s not the answer I expected. But how did you get twelve seconds in a year?” The lion replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc…” Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

Joke 4

Lonnie the lioness caught her husband Claude the lion searching high and low all around his living room.
Lonnie: “What are you searching for?”
Claude: “Hidden cameras!”
Lonnie: “And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?”
Claude: “That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, ‘You are watching the Discovery channel’. How does he know that?”

Joke 5

Two men and a lion were stranded on an uninhabited island. The only way back home was to swim 100 miles to the next island, which was inhabited. One man was so determined to get home that he tried to swim. He made it 50 miles , got tired and drowned. Then the second man tried. He made it 75 miles, but got tired and he too drowned. The lion thought he could make it all the way, so he started swimming. The lion swam 50 miles, but started to get tired, so he swam all the way back to the island.

Joke 6

Two lions went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here,” complained the pub owner. So the two lions swapped their sandwiches.

Joke 7

Two lions were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked, “Why are you crying?” The first one replied, “I came here for a blood test” Second one asked, “So, are you afraid?” First one replied, “No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger.” Hearing this, the second lion started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, “Why are you crying?” The other replied, “I have come for my urine test.”

Joke 8

In a circus a lion tamer does the following trick: orders a lion to open his mouth, comes closer and puts his dick into the lion's mouth. He offers $10,000 to anyone who will repeat the trick. A girl from the audience says quietly: - I would do it. But you take the lion away first.

Short Jokes

What's the difference between a tiger and a lion?
A tiger has the mane part missing!

What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
'Let us prey.'

What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny!

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
'Pleased to eat you.'!

On which day do lions eat people?
Chewsday!